This post is somewhat of a Part II to the post "What Does His Addiction Say About Me?" It's been floating around in my head for months, but with just having a baby, I've not had too much of an opportunity to write lately.
Thinking back now, I remember that my self-image problems began in middle school. Other girls wore makeup and had designer clothes and I remember not feeling as pretty or good enough. This stayed with me, but in high school I also started to compare my body and weight to that of my friends and other girls. Not only did I look at the brand of their clothes, but also the size. When we'd sit on the bleachers together, I'd look down the row to see how much bigger my thighs were than those of my friends.
During my first year and a half of college, I had a long-distance boyfriend. He and I dated in high school and kept our relationship going in an off-again, on-again sort of fashion. Senior year he broke up with me to take someone else to the prom, a serious blow to my self-worth. She was on the drill team, tiny and cute, so I took it that something must have been wrong with me. It was not the healthiest of relationships, that's for sure.
My freshman year of college, the comparing got worse. Now I was on a college campus in California where I had class with models were models, most of them blonde, thin and tall. They toted around Coach purses and drove a BMW or Mercedes. They looked very different than 5'2" me with curly hair that frizzed up in the humid air.
My roommate was beautiful and thin. So many boys would call or come to our dorm room looking for her that I started to feel like an answering service. I felt so ugly and awkward in comparison.
Come Christmas break, I had gained the infamous "Freshman 15" and felt even worse about myself. When the new semester began, what was once comparison turned to obsession. I started to compulsively worry about everything I ate. I started to work out almost every day and even walked down to the school gym in a thunderstorm. I wouldn't say that I had an eating disorder, but I did have very compulsive behavior, with an obsession on diet and exercise.
I often verbalized my self-doubt to my boyfriend and he never validated my feelings with praise or affirmation that he thought I was beautiful or that I shouldn't compare myself to other girls. Also, because of our off-again, on-again relationship, I often wondered what was wrong with me that made him not be committed to our relationship.
I realize now that I never should have looked to him for my self-worth, I know that I can only look to Jesus for that.
Eventually, God did reveal to me how obscured my self-image was and that in comparing myself to others, I essentially told Him that how He made me wasn't good enough. Ouch. That's not what I wanted to say at all.
Thankfully, God helped me to change my attitude and perspective. Instead of wishing I was a size smaller, I thanked Him that I had a healthy body. Instead of feeling that I had to exercise every day to be thin, I relaxed and viewed exercise as caring for my body. I also looked at myself in pictures from high school and realized how silly I had been, I was as thin or smaller than my friends and the girls I compared myself to. Not that being thin is necessarily a good thing, but it showed me that I didn't see myself clearly, I had allowed my thoughts to obscure reality.
Fast forward a few years and I'm glad that God had already given me revelation into how distorted my thinking was about my body when I learned of my husband's addiction. (I didn't marry that high school boyfriend, by the way.) When the devil whispered lies into my ear that my husband went to pornography because I wasn't desirable enough or beautiful (according to the world) like the women he viewed, I was easily able to squash them because I know the truth: that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14).
I also know that
no one, not even my husband, can make me feel complete or give me my sense of worth. Only God can do this! Knowing this in my teenage years would have saved me so much heartache, what about you?
I pray that you will not believe the devil's lies that you are to blame for your husband's addiction or that you aren't beautiful. God fashioned every detail of your frame, from your freckles to your toes. Honor Him and love who He created you to be.
I love these words:
"The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord." - Psalm 45:11
"As a young man marries a maiden, so will your sons marry you; as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you." - Isaiah 62:5
If you're struggling in this area, please let me know how I can pray for you.
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