To Trust or Not to Trust: That is the Question

Hello Ladies!

First of all, I want to say thank you to those of you who have contacted me recently. I know how lonely and hard this whole journey is, so I'm glad that I can be a friend to you when it feels like you have no one else to talk to.

A few of you have asked me to tackle the topic of trust, so here are my thoughts for today:

It will take time to trust your husband again. Trust is something that has to be earned and when it's broken, it takes lots and lots of time to heal the wound. And often, the wound may be opened again by your husband's continual struggle for sexual purity. I still sometimes grapple with the fact that my husband may fail in this area. Men are bombarded daily with so many sexual images that it is hard for them to succeed. But it is possible!

When I found out about my husband's addiction, my whole life felt like a lie. I didn't know what was true and if I could trust him on any level. But slowly, day by day, month by month, and now, year by year, trust has been restored. It took many little things to prove that he was trustworthy, which stacked together, have rebuilt the bridge of trust between us.

I recommend that together you set up some safeguards so that you're not always wondering if he's looking at porn. If you put these measures in place, small victories will happen, which can lead to bigger victories. Here are a few steps that we took:

• Install an internet filtering and monitoring program on any computers where only you have the password. We even set this up on my husband's work laptop that he sometimes brings home with him. We use Safe Eyes.
• Install a password on any media possible (Netflix, Xbox, etc.).
• Throw out any videos in the home that have any sexual scenes or nudity.
• Cancel any magazines or catalogues that have sexual content or nudity. (Think Victoria's Secret, Sports Illustrated, etc.)
• Help your husband find an accountability group or partner. Celebrate Recovery or Every Man's Battle studies are great starts, if available in your area.
• The biggest one that made a difference for us was going to bed at the same time every night. For many years, my husband went to bed later than I did, which is when he was online looking at pornography, without my knowledge. Going to bed at the same time helped us rebuild trust. 

Again, no one can say how long it will take to trust your husband again. If you caught your husband using porn, I imagine that it might take longer to trust him, depending on his response and his attitude toward this issue in your marriage. But however long it takes, God is with you every step of the way. Ask Him to help you trust your husband again. It is difficult, but not impossible with time.

"With God, all things are possible." - Matthew 19:26