From a Man's Perspective

Hello Ladies,

This summer has just flown by, I can't believe September is days away!

Today I read a great post on the Authentic Intimacy blog from Jefferson Bethke, whom you may know from his YouTube videos that went viral last year. In the post, he shares his struggles with sex and pornography, before and after becoming a Christian.

I find it helpful when men are vulnerable and speak out about such things. It helps me to remember how human they are, how human we all are in our struggles and sin. It helps me see men through God's eyes, instead of eyes that only remember how painful it can be to be married to someone who struggles in this way.

You can read the post here:

http://authenticintimacy.com/?q=blog/men-porn-guilt-and-forgiveness

I'd love to hear what you think about it.

Hosanna!

Hello Ladies,

Today I wanted to share a song with you that has been very important to me in my healing journey. Before my husband's confession in 2009, I had heard this song many times. But it wasn't until months afterward that this song took on new meaning for me.

One Sunday in church, the worship band sang this song and the tears would not stop flowing from my eyes. About three and a half minutes into the song, the lyrics say, "Break my heart for what breaks yours, everything I am for your kindgom's cause."

At the time, my heart was truly broken over my husband's addiction. I would walk into church every week, a mess on the inside, but I continutally acted as though nothing was wrong so that no one would know. I felt so lonely and sad.

As I heard those words that particular Sunday, I realized that God had allowed my heart to be broken over pornography and its detrimental effects because it's something that truly breaks His. I realized then that this would be part of my ministry -- to reach out to the women who are also affected by this tragedy. Perhaps it will become part of your ministry as well.

Today I decided to look up the meaning of the word Hosanna. Its original meaning in the Old Testament is Save please, deliver us or we pray. In the New Testament it takes on a meaning of praise for the Messiah. I find both definitions especially meaningful to us as we seek healing for our hearts.

Dear God,

Hosanna! We praise you for knowing us and seeing us as we walk through the aftermath of this storm. We pray that you will save and deliver us from this hard place. We pray for our marriages to be restored, we pray for our husbands to be delivered from their struggles with sexual purity. We know that you have allowed our hearts to be broken over pornography entering our marriages, and we pray that it's for the ultimate glory of your kingdom. We know that you work all things for good, even something as terrible as pornography. We thank you in advance for the work you will do. We love you!

To Trust or Not to Trust: That is the Question

Hello Ladies!

First of all, I want to say thank you to those of you who have contacted me recently. I know how lonely and hard this whole journey is, so I'm glad that I can be a friend to you when it feels like you have no one else to talk to.

A few of you have asked me to tackle the topic of trust, so here are my thoughts for today:

It will take time to trust your husband again. Trust is something that has to be earned and when it's broken, it takes lots and lots of time to heal the wound. And often, the wound may be opened again by your husband's continual struggle for sexual purity. I still sometimes grapple with the fact that my husband may fail in this area. Men are bombarded daily with so many sexual images that it is hard for them to succeed. But it is possible!

When I found out about my husband's addiction, my whole life felt like a lie. I didn't know what was true and if I could trust him on any level. But slowly, day by day, month by month, and now, year by year, trust has been restored. It took many little things to prove that he was trustworthy, which stacked together, have rebuilt the bridge of trust between us.

I recommend that together you set up some safeguards so that you're not always wondering if he's looking at porn. If you put these measures in place, small victories will happen, which can lead to bigger victories. Here are a few steps that we took:

• Install an internet filtering and monitoring program on any computers where only you have the password. We even set this up on my husband's work laptop that he sometimes brings home with him. We use Safe Eyes.
• Install a password on any media possible (Netflix, Xbox, etc.).
• Throw out any videos in the home that have any sexual scenes or nudity.
• Cancel any magazines or catalogues that have sexual content or nudity. (Think Victoria's Secret, Sports Illustrated, etc.)
• Help your husband find an accountability group or partner. Celebrate Recovery or Every Man's Battle studies are great starts, if available in your area.
• The biggest one that made a difference for us was going to bed at the same time every night. For many years, my husband went to bed later than I did, which is when he was online looking at pornography, without my knowledge. Going to bed at the same time helped us rebuild trust. 

Again, no one can say how long it will take to trust your husband again. If you caught your husband using porn, I imagine that it might take longer to trust him, depending on his response and his attitude toward this issue in your marriage. But however long it takes, God is with you every step of the way. Ask Him to help you trust your husband again. It is difficult, but not impossible with time.

"With God, all things are possible." - Matthew 19:26

AuthenticIntimacy.com

Hello Friends,

I wanted to share a really great resource I've recently found, Authentic Intimacy.I found out about it while listening to a Focus on the Family podcast. Focus regulary discusses sexual issues on the program, which I've found very helpful.You can download them to your iPhone very easily. I often listen to them when I'm getting ready for bed at night.

Dr. Juli Slattery, author of the book No More Headaches, felt God leading her to start this ministry with a friend, Linda Dillow. If you've not read Dr. Juli's book, I definitely recommend it.

Check out their site and let me know what you think.

Blessings to you!

Your Topic and a Winner!

Good Morning,

Thank you to those of you who entered my giveaway! I'll be contacting the winner and mailing the book out soon. I hope that it blesses you!

I thought I'd tackle one of the topic suggestions today:

What do you do when he is unwilling to speak to someone about this issue?

I think that there are a few steps to addressing this:

1. Pray! I know that probably seems obvious, but pray for the Lord to prompt your husband to seek healing for this addiction. He will answer. Pray also for your husband's sexual purity -- purity for his mind and thoughts. Pray for someone to come along and walk with your husband through this. God answers in the most amazing ways! Out of the blue, a man from our church approached my husband about doing a study on Every Man's Battle shortly after he had confessed his addiction to me. Only God could have done that!
2. Seek help for yourself: I sought out counseling before my husband. I didn't know how to cope with life and the situation I found myself in, so I called a Christian counselor I knew to set up appointments for myself. Eventually, my husband ended up going with me. I pray that as you seek healing for your own heart, that you will understand this problem isn't about you at all. When this happened to me, I saw my husband differently. I realized that He is a sinner, just like me, so in need of God's love, mercy and forgiveness. I pray that revelation will bring healing to your marriage and to your heart.
3. Seek alternative forms of help: Check out Celebrate Recovery in your area. Shortly after my husband's confession, I had come across an advertisement for a group who had a guest speaker on sexual addiction, so we went together. Also check out XXXChurch, which has an online recovery program.
4. Set up safeguards at home: You can set up internet monitoring programs on your computers and smartphones. We use SafeEyes. I have also set up a password for our Netflix streaming account and our XBox settings. Look at your home movie collection and throw out any that are tempting to your husband. We ended up throwing out four or five movies when we did this. I am now much more aware of what media we watch and allow into our home.

I hope that these steps will be helfpul to you. Please also check out the recommended books I have on my resource page so that you can invest in your own personal healing.

Praying for you, friends!

A Giveaway!

Hi Everyone,

I'm so sorry for not posting more often, the past few months have gone by way too fast! To make it up to you, I have a giveaway!

I'm giving away a copy of I Surrender All: Rebuilding a Marriage Broken by Pornography by Clay and Renee Crosse (with Mark Tabb).

To enter, please send an e-mail to info@healingforyourheart.com with the following information:

• Your name
• A list of three topics that you'd like to see me address on this blog

I'll randomly pick an entry on November 7th and will mail the book to you. (Please know that I will never share your information with anyone!)

I'm looking forward to seeing your suggestions. Know that I'm praying for you --that God heals the places in your hearts that are broken and needing some extra TLC.

Your Friend,

Speaking of Pornography . . .

Hello Everyone,

I follow one of my favorite authors and speakers, Lysa TerKeurst, on Facebook. Here's what she posted today:

Alright ladies, I know this is awkward…but you know me, I’m never one to shy away from the things that need to be talked about. This week I want to go there with the subject of pornography. Recently, I have been hearing many stories about the damaging effects that pornography is having on families. I’m not an expert on this subject, but a friend of mine is. Jake Larson - pastor and director of XXX...

Church will be helping us sort through some of the questions you may have regarding this subject. We will be taking questions here on Facebook (if you feel comfortable leaving a comment) and also by e-mail at realquestions31@gmail.com until tomorrow night at 7pm (EST). Jake’s responses to your questions will be posted to my blog next week. For more information on Jake and XXX Church, please visit http://www.xxxchurch.com/

Be sure to e-mail her or post a question or comment to her Facebook Page, I did! I'm looking forward to seeing the discussion on a topic that, as you know, is not often talked about.

Blessings to all of you!