Welcome!

Hello and welcome to all of you who have come to my site after reading the article in P31 Woman magazine! It is with bittersweet sentiments that I say I'm glad you're here. It breaks my heart that you're reading, because it most likely means that pornography has found its way into your marriage. My heart is heavy for you.

But on the other hand, I hope that my website will encourage healing for your heart. I'm honored that you've taken the time to meet me here and read about my experience.

2 Corinthians 1: 3-5 says, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ." 


Two years ago when I found out about my husband's addiction, I never imagined that I would be in a place that I could encourage women walking the same road. I couldn't tell which way was up, it felt as though my entire world had turned upside down. In confessing, my husband said he felt as though a heavy load had been lifted off of his back. I felt that it had been transferred to me, my heart ached because of the betrayal. I lost trust in my husband. I grieved for the marriage and life that I thought I had.

Do you feel like you're carrying this same heavy burden?

I don't claim to have all of the answers or to be completely healed of this storm in my life. But what I know for sure is that Jesus has the answers and that only He can heal my heart and yours. He walks alongside us, ready to carry our heavy burdens, if we release them to Him.

Matthew 11:28-30 says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." 

Another thing I do know for sure is that my husband and I are in a much better place than two years ago. I'm grateful to God that He has done a work in each of us individually and as a couple. To God be all the glory, honor and praise! 

I also have another article running with Proverbs 31 this month, it's posted in two different places on their website.

It's the third article when you click here:

http://p31everydaylife.blogspot.com/

Or the second article here: http://www.proverbs31.org/everydaylife/everydayLife.php

I'd love to pray for you, answer your questions and blog about topics you suggest. I encourage you to read my past posts and let me know what you think. Please let me know how I can make this ministry more effective. It's my heart's desire to provide encouragement and hope that healing for your heart is possible. It's all possible because of Christ. Thank you, sweet Jesus.

Anniversaries

This month marks many anniversaries for me. Of course, we all stopped to remember the 10th anniversary of 9/11 last Sunday. But this weekend in particular, I'm observing a few others.

Today is the two-year anniversary of when my husband revealed his pornography addiction to me. I'll never forget the date because the next day is my daughter's birthday (the anniversary of her birth). At the time, we were about to celebrate her first birthday.

When my husband confessed, I had such compassion on him. I prayed for him and cried with him. After that initial evening, I didn't have a lot of time to process the information and how it affected me. We celebrated my daughter's actual birthday (that year, a Friday) and then had a party on Saturday. Sunday was her dedication at church and we went out to lunch with family afterward. I kept a smiling face and held back the tears when I started to think of our conversation. I managed to skirt it to the back of my mind, until Monday.

That Monday, reality set in and I realized how much my life had changed with just one conversation. Hundreds of questions ran through my mind and I didn't process the answers well when I started to ask my husband about them. My husband said that it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of his shoulders, but I felt like he transferred it to me. I started to wonder if I really knew my husband and if our entire marriage had been a lie. It was hard to sort the lies from the truth. I began the grieving process for the marriage I thought I had.

Two years later, I am sitting in a better place, thank the Lord! By no means am I completely healed of this storm, nor is my husband or my marriage. But we are all better for it, as strange as that might sound.

Even though it doesn't seem like it at the time, confession is where the healing begins. James 5:16 says, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

Here's another great video from my favorite group, Tenth Avenue North.

Self-Image

This post is somewhat of a Part II to the post "What Does His Addiction Say About Me?" It's been floating around in my head for months, but with just having a baby, I've not had too much of an opportunity to write lately.

Thinking back now, I remember that my self-image problems began in middle school. Other girls wore makeup and had designer clothes and I remember not feeling as pretty or good enough. This stayed with me, but in high school I also started to compare my body and weight to that of my friends and other girls. Not only did I look at the brand of their clothes, but also the size. When we'd sit on the bleachers together, I'd look down the row to see how much bigger my thighs were than those of my friends.

During my first year and a half of college, I had a long-distance boyfriend. He and I dated in high school and kept our relationship going in an off-again, on-again sort of fashion. Senior year he broke up with me to take someone else to the prom, a serious blow to my self-worth. She was on the drill team, tiny and cute, so I took it that something must have been wrong with me. It was not the healthiest of relationships, that's for sure.

My freshman year of college, the comparing got worse. Now I was on a college campus in California where I had class with models were models, most of them blonde, thin and tall. They toted around Coach purses and drove a BMW or Mercedes. They looked very different than 5'2" me with curly hair that frizzed up in the humid air. 

My roommate was beautiful and thin. So many boys would call or come to our dorm room looking for her that I started to feel like an answering service. I felt so ugly and awkward in comparison.

Come Christmas break, I had gained the infamous "Freshman 15" and felt even worse about myself. When the new semester began, what was once comparison turned to obsession. I started to compulsively worry about everything I ate. I started to work out almost every day and even walked down to the school gym in a thunderstorm. I wouldn't say that I had an eating disorder, but I did have very compulsive behavior, with an obsession on diet and exercise.

I often verbalized my self-doubt to my boyfriend and he never validated my feelings with praise or affirmation that he thought I was beautiful or that I shouldn't compare myself to other girls. Also, because of our off-again, on-again relationship, I often wondered what was wrong with me that made him not be committed to our relationship. I realize now that I never should have looked to him for my self-worth, I know that I can only look to Jesus for that. 

Eventually, God did reveal to me how obscured my self-image was and that in comparing myself to others, I essentially told Him that how He made me wasn't good enough. Ouch. That's not what I wanted to say at all.

Thankfully, God helped me to change my attitude and perspective. Instead of wishing I was a size smaller, I thanked Him that I had a healthy body. Instead of feeling that I had to exercise every day to be thin, I relaxed and viewed exercise as caring for my body. I also looked at myself in pictures from high school and realized how silly I had been, I was as thin or smaller than my friends and the girls I compared myself to. Not that being thin is necessarily a good thing, but it showed me that I didn't see myself clearly, I had allowed my thoughts to obscure reality.

Fast forward a few years and I'm glad that God had already given me revelation into how distorted my thinking was about my body when I learned of my husband's addiction. (I didn't marry that high school boyfriend, by the way.) When the devil whispered lies into my ear that my husband went to pornography because I wasn't desirable enough or beautiful (according to the world) like the women he viewed, I was easily able to squash them because I know the truth: that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14).

I also know that no one, not even my husband, can make me feel complete or give me my sense of worth. Only God can do this! Knowing this in my teenage years would have saved me so much heartache, what about you?

I pray that you will not believe the devil's lies that you are to blame for your husband's addiction or that you aren't beautiful. God fashioned every detail of your frame, from your freckles to your toes. Honor Him and love who He created you to be.

I love these words:

"The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord." - Psalm 45:11


"As a young man marries a maiden, so will your sons marry you; as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you." - Isaiah 62:5

If you're struggling in this area, please let me know how I can pray for you.

Pornography in the Church - CNN Article

Hello and sorry for my hiatus! I hadn't mentioned it before, but I had a baby a few months ago, so I've been a little more tied up than usual.

I've been meaning to post this article for awhile, but hadn't had a chance. I'm glad that a major media outlet is covering the issue of pornography in the church. The more it's discussed, the more God's light can shine and people can be healed.

Can the Christian Crusade Against Pornography Bear Fruit?

Jonny Diaz: "More Beautiful You"

I love this song and think it pertains to my post from yesterday. I pray that it blesses you!

What Does His Addiction Say About Me?

“For you created me in my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”

—Psalm 139:13–16

During the early days of this journey, Satan will certainly throw darts at your mind and at your heart, trying to convince you of lies about yourself. Don’t believe his deception! Be on guard for his schemes. He’s sneaky; the Bible calls him the “father of lies” (John 8:44).

He may tempt you into believing that there’s something wrong with your body to have made your husband seek fulfillment through pornography. This is a lie! Your husband’s addiction has nothing to do with you and what you look like. To understand this, you must understand the nature of addictions.

Addictions are often formed as a coping mechanism for dealing with pain. Common forms of addiction are alcohol, drugs and tobacco. (Sadly, some people don’t acknowledge pornography as an addiction, but instead a form of adult entertainment that is acceptable in our progressive society.) Addictive stimulants affect a pleasure center in the brain that allows a person to relax and forget about life’s worries when the chemical stimulus is activated. Because this provides pleasure to the mind, the body craves more and more of these chemicals. The release of these chemicals in the brain reinforces the behavior. Over time, an addiction is formed because the person can’t live without the buzz of pleasure.

The truth is that your husband has used pornography to heal pain in his life. He probably had his first exposure as a teenager or pre-teen and used it during those developmental years to cope with struggles. Many men think that getting married will push pornography out of their lives because they will be able to have sexual release anytime they want through intercourse with their wives. Sadly, many men find that the addiction is stronger than their willpower and devotion to their wife.

If you don’t believe that there’s nothing wrong with you or your body, consider the many wives of sexual addicts in pop culture. Take the wife of actor David Duchovony, Tea Leoni, or Tiger Woods’ ex-wife, Elin Nordegren. Both are beautiful women with attractive physiques. Their beauty did not keep their husbands from sexual addiction because addiction is extremely powerful.

When my husband confided to a member of his bible study about his addiction, I felt ashamed. I couldn’t look that man in the eye for fear of what he’d think about me. I fell into Satan’s trap of lies as I wondered, “What will he think about me? Will he wonder why I couldn’t keep my husband satisfied and faithful?”

The truth is that this addiction is not a reflection of you. You are not to blame for your husband’s addiction to pornography. It’s not about you, really.

If you’re feeling down about your body, ask the Lord to help you. Ask Him to reveal truth to you and fill the tender pieces of your soul that are broken. Consider the source of the lies that you believe about yourself. Satan aims to kill, steal and destroy (John 10:10). Don’t let him tarnish what you know is true about yourself. Don’t believe his lies!

God planned for you to have freckles, brown eyes or a size nine shoe. He formed and fastened every part of you, from the color of your hair to the lines in your hands. Don’t allow Satan to win over your mind by allowing you to believe that God made mistakes when He created you. Don’t mock God’s creativity in forming your every part. Relish your hips, your scarred knees or the birthmark that graces your face. Take pride in who God created you to be.

While we probably all have a few areas of our bodies that we’d like to improve, like stretch marks and cellulite, we must not let these things become prey for the enemy. Acknowledge that God is your creator; meditate on how He thought only of you when He formed your body. His design is perfect.

Shattered Trust

I subscribe to the Proverbs 31 Ministries podcasts and I thought this was a great one to share with you.

http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/proverbs-31-ministries/subscribe/podcast.xml

Once you click on the link, go to Shattered Trust by Renee Swope on Wednesday June 8, 2011.

My Favorite Verse

I don't remember exactly how long after my husband's confession or how exactly I came across these words, but they have been my lifeline. They helped to remind me that even though I felt so blinded by my circumstances, God was leading me down the unfamiliar path and had not forsaken me. I pray that these words will provide comfort to you too.

"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;

I will turn the darkness into light before them and will make the rough places smooth.

These are the things I will do, I will not forsake them."

-Isaiah 42:16

CNN Article

I saw the link for this article floating around on Facebook today. Just some food for thought.

It explains a little bit about the chemical reactions that occur with sex and sexual stimulation. I'm not an expert by any means, but in my walk through this storm, I've learned about the nature of addiction.

What a lot of people may not realize about sexual addiction is that it's like any other addiction, in that the brain sends chemicals through the body that give a physical high in response to the stimulus. Once the body becomes hooked on these chemicals, it's hard for an addict to stop the addictive behavior (whether that's sex, nicotine, alcohol, etc.) because the body's chemistry has been altered.

The article has some interesting points, let me know what you think.

http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2011/05/31/my-take-there’s-nothing-brief-about-a-hookup/

Being Strong Versus Having Strength

This week, I found an old piece of paper in a box of arts and crafts supplies I hadn't used in awhile. I remember receiving this in an e-mail forward many years ago. I liked it so much that I typed it up, printed it with a pretty border and put it on my bulletin board. I thought you'd enjoy it:

Being Strong Versus Having Strength

A strong woman works out every day to keep her body in shape, but a woman of strength kneels in prayer to keep her soul in shape.

A strong woman isn't afraid of anything, but a woman of strength shows courage in the midst of her fears.

A strong woman won't let anyone get the best of her, but a woman of strength gives the best of herself to everyone.

A strong woman makes mistakes and avoids the same in the future. A woman of strength realizes life's mistakes can also be God's blessings and capitalizes on them.

A strong woman walks sure-footedly, but a woman of strength knows God will catch her when she falls.

A strong woman wears the look of confidence on her face, but a woman of strength wears grace.

A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey, but a woman of strength has faith that it is through the journey that she will become strong.

Love Is Here

When I learned of my husband's pornography addiction, I began to wonder how he could love me and love pornography at the same time. It didn't seem to me like it could be possible to have room in his heart for both, so I began to question whether any part of our marriage had been real.

It took me many months to sift through those questions and to realize that yes, he did in fact love me. The pornography had so engulfed him for so long that he was unable to break free on his own. The fact that he confessed and sought help eventually showed me that he did truly love me. This was not an easy realization though.

During the initial months of this storm, I found it difficult to survive. I desperately needed God's truth, but felt so weighed down with emotion and devastation that turning to my Bible seemed impossible on most days. But one ray of hope that revealed God's truth and His love to me was Christian music. I'm so grateful for Christian radio and Christian artists because music can reach us and touch us when we're doing life without our noses in our Bibles or at church. Like when we're driving, eating a meal, taking a shower or crying on the bathroom floor.

The group whose music touched me the most during this time was Tenth Avenue North. I love their album Over and Underneath. The video to my favorite song is below, I pray that it will bless you! I listened to this song over and over and over, with tears gushing down my face in realization that God loved me and that His love was available to me during this lowest point of my life.

Tenth Avenue North - Love Is Here from Provident Label Group on Vimeo.

Confirmation from God

I love when God gives me confirmation that what I'm doing is within His plan for me. I'm currently in a Bible study group with ladies from church and we're studying Lysa TerKeurst's Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl.

Today in Chapter 14 of the book, Lysa talked about her healing after having an abortion. I found such encouragement from these words:

"We can't move forward with God when our past keeps pulling us down...

My complete healing came when I was finally able to turn my thoughts past my own healing to helping others in the same situation...

Will you go? Will you share? Will you allow God to comfort you and then take that comfort to others? I think you'll find that you are the one who ends up doubly blessed...

Not only will you see God bring good from your past mistakes, but you will see another layer of your life purpose unfolding. The more we see our life's purpose unfold, the more we'll be secure in the person God has created us to be. The more we become secure in the person God has created us to be, the more we'll be able to make peace with liking who we are. The more we make peace with liking who we are, the more we will be able to untangle self-distracting thoughts. The less entangled we are, the more effective we'll be for Christ."

These words made me think of you, my future readers. Just as Lysa said, my true healing began when I began to think of how I could help you. When I began to think of this storm in my life as part of my calling, my perspective changed.

I know that God hates pornography because it is sin. I know that it grieves Him when it destroys trust and intimacy within marriages and families.

But I am reminded of Romans 8:28 that says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - NIV, emphasis mine.

I trust that God is working good from pornography storming through my marriage. I trust that He will do the same for you.

Welcome

Hello and Welcome to Healing for Your Heart!

It's a somewhat bittersweet experience for me to have started this website and blog, I never imagined that God would have brought me on this journey.

In 2009 my husband of five years confessed his pornography addiction to me and it shattered my world. It seemed like everything I had thought about my life was a lie.

I felt so alone and so betrayed. My husband felt that a load had been removed off his back, but I felt like he had given me that load to bear. The burden overwhelmed me. I grieved for the marriage I thought I had and for any hopes I had placed in my husband.

But God...

God gave me a glimpse of hope and restoration. He began to lift me out of the pit of my despair. He began to work in my marriage and we slowly experienced renewal, personally and as a couple.

One of the biggest ways in which I experienced healing (and still do) is through the hope of ministering to all of my fellow sisters who walk this road. The biggest fallacy of this whole experience is that I initially thought I walked alone, but I sadly learned that there are so many of us.

God gave me the vision to start this place where we can share and encourage each other. I don't claim to have all the answers or to be completely healed. But what I do know is that God sustained me through this storm and He can sustain you too. The Master Healer can heal our hearts.

I pray that you'll join me on this journey and let me know how I can pray for you.

Prayer Wall

Welcome to the Prayer Wall! My hope for this page is that you will leave prayer requests via the comment section. Use your name or be anonymous. There is such power in prayer and it would be my honor to pray for you and your needs. During this storm in my life, I felt so humbled when people lifted up prayers to God on my behalf.

I'd also be grateful for your prayers that God would lead and direct this ministry.

"Are you hurting? Pray. Do you feel great? Sing. Are you sick? Call the church leaders together to pray and anoint you with oil in the name of the Master. Believing-prayer will heal you, and Jesus will put you on your feet. And if you've sinned, you'll be forgiven--healed inside and out."

- James 5:13-15, The Message Translation