Your Topic and a Winner!

Good Morning,

Thank you to those of you who entered my giveaway! I'll be contacting the winner and mailing the book out soon. I hope that it blesses you!

I thought I'd tackle one of the topic suggestions today:

What do you do when he is unwilling to speak to someone about this issue?

I think that there are a few steps to addressing this:

1. Pray! I know that probably seems obvious, but pray for the Lord to prompt your husband to seek healing for this addiction. He will answer. Pray also for your husband's sexual purity -- purity for his mind and thoughts. Pray for someone to come along and walk with your husband through this. God answers in the most amazing ways! Out of the blue, a man from our church approached my husband about doing a study on Every Man's Battle shortly after he had confessed his addiction to me. Only God could have done that!
2. Seek help for yourself: I sought out counseling before my husband. I didn't know how to cope with life and the situation I found myself in, so I called a Christian counselor I knew to set up appointments for myself. Eventually, my husband ended up going with me. I pray that as you seek healing for your own heart, that you will understand this problem isn't about you at all. When this happened to me, I saw my husband differently. I realized that He is a sinner, just like me, so in need of God's love, mercy and forgiveness. I pray that revelation will bring healing to your marriage and to your heart.
3. Seek alternative forms of help: Check out Celebrate Recovery in your area. Shortly after my husband's confession, I had come across an advertisement for a group who had a guest speaker on sexual addiction, so we went together. Also check out XXXChurch, which has an online recovery program.
4. Set up safeguards at home: You can set up internet monitoring programs on your computers and smartphones. We use SafeEyes. I have also set up a password for our Netflix streaming account and our XBox settings. Look at your home movie collection and throw out any that are tempting to your husband. We ended up throwing out four or five movies when we did this. I am now much more aware of what media we watch and allow into our home.

I hope that these steps will be helfpul to you. Please also check out the recommended books I have on my resource page so that you can invest in your own personal healing.

Praying for you, friends!

A Giveaway!

Hi Everyone,

I'm so sorry for not posting more often, the past few months have gone by way too fast! To make it up to you, I have a giveaway!

I'm giving away a copy of I Surrender All: Rebuilding a Marriage Broken by Pornography by Clay and Renee Crosse (with Mark Tabb).

To enter, please send an e-mail to info@healingforyourheart.com with the following information:

• Your name
• A list of three topics that you'd like to see me address on this blog

I'll randomly pick an entry on November 7th and will mail the book to you. (Please know that I will never share your information with anyone!)

I'm looking forward to seeing your suggestions. Know that I'm praying for you --that God heals the places in your hearts that are broken and needing some extra TLC.

Your Friend,

Speaking of Pornography . . .

Hello Everyone,

I follow one of my favorite authors and speakers, Lysa TerKeurst, on Facebook. Here's what she posted today:

Alright ladies, I know this is awkward…but you know me, I’m never one to shy away from the things that need to be talked about. This week I want to go there with the subject of pornography. Recently, I have been hearing many stories about the damaging effects that pornography is having on families. I’m not an expert on this subject, but a friend of mine is. Jake Larson - pastor and director of XXX...

Church will be helping us sort through some of the questions you may have regarding this subject. We will be taking questions here on Facebook (if you feel comfortable leaving a comment) and also by e-mail at realquestions31@gmail.com until tomorrow night at 7pm (EST). Jake’s responses to your questions will be posted to my blog next week. For more information on Jake and XXX Church, please visit http://www.xxxchurch.com/

Be sure to e-mail her or post a question or comment to her Facebook Page, I did! I'm looking forward to seeing the discussion on a topic that, as you know, is not often talked about.

Blessings to all of you!

I'd Be Packing My Bags

When I first heard this song, I wondered what Toby Mac meant when he sings, "I'd be packing my bags when I need to stay." I wondered if he was talking about a Jonah-type situation when God tells him to go to one city and he runs to another.

But after hearing the song a few times, a personal example came to mind.

A week or so after my husband confessed and the world felt so very dark, the thought of leaving crossed my mind. But the more I thought about it, it didn't make sense to me. At the time, our daughter had just turned one. I didn't want her to experience her parents being separated.

I also played out in my mind what our futures would look if we went our separate ways. I realized that being with a different person in the future would not solve any problems. There's a high probability that I could have ended up with another man addicted to pornography. Or maybe not that problem, but a different problem because we all have some. Then where would I be? In the same situation, with a broken heart, home and family.

With a decision to make, I knew two things: that I still loved my husband and that I knew the temptation to leave was from the devil, and not from God. I knew that it would give Satan glory for my marriage to break up. And that is the last thing I wanted.

When I think back about that time in my life, I am thankful that God allowed the confession to happen when it did. Had it happened a year or more earlier, I don't know where I'd be. I know that His hand is and was upon me. I am so grateful for God's promise in Romans 8:28:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Emphasis mine.)

God has worked good in my life and my marriage through pornography's storm. I will be forever grateful. I don't know where I'd be without Him.

I most likely wouldn't have been jamming out to this song with my husband, daughter (who is about to turn four) and one-year old son over a pizza dinner Sunday night. Thank you, Lord for your healing work in my life!

Unmerited Favor

Here's something to think about today:

"You can choose to love the unlovely and to do everything in your power to encourage your husband in his brave stand for righteousness. No, he doesn't deserve grace like this, and it certainly would be unmerited favor from you. Still, this looks a lot like what Jesus did for us."

- Fred Stoeker in Every Heart Restored

The first time that I read this, I knew it was true.

Sin is sin and I realized that in God's eyes, my iniquity is no different than my husband's. But by God's grace and unmerited favor, the blood of Jesus covers us all and cleanses us all from our unrighteousness.

With this in mind, I decided to write this quote on an index card and read it often. Perhaps it would help you to do the same...?

Praying for you, my friends.

Is Sex Addiction The Biggest Addiction Of All Time?

Is Sex Addiction The Biggest Addiction Of All Time?

pureHOPE

I've recently been put in contact with a wonderful ministry, pureHOPE. I had the opportunity to speak with some of their staff last week and they are wonderful people doing wonderful work for God's kingdom. Their mission is to "provide Christian solutions in a sexualized culture."

Visit their website and you will find great resources for you on this journey: a confidential helpline for those struggling with sexual addiction, a wonderful blog, resources for parents on raising children in a sexualized culture and more!

You'll find a direct link to their blog on my blogroll. Please join me in praying for pureHOPE and the people they will reach.

Praying Over Our Husbands

While cleaning out our office last week, I found a notebook of my husband's. I pulled it out to align it with the other binders on the shelf when a blue piece of paper fell out. I had penned Psalm 20:1-7 on this piece of paper for him a few months after his confession. Finding it today was a good reminder to keep praying this Psalm over him.

May the Lord answer you when you are in distress; may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.

May he send you help from the sanctuary and grant you support from Zion.

May he remember all your sacrifices and accept your burnt offerings.

May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.

We will shout for joy when you are victorious and will lift up our banners in the name of our God. May the Lord grant all your requests.

Now I know that the Lord saves his anointed; He answers him from his holy heaven with the saving power of his right hand.

Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.

- Psalm 20:1-7

One of My Struggles

One of the main goals that I have for this website is to provide you with encouragement and hope. But I also want you to know that I still wrestle with the fact that my husband has had a pornography addiction and that sexual purity is a struggle for him. I'm a woman just like you who has feelings, insecurities and baggage of my own. I've truly forgiven my husband, but it's sometimes hard to forget.

One of the things I sometimes grapple with is how to interact with men. To be very honest, I became very cynical of men in the months that followed my husband's confession. I saw them as weak and cowardly because as I searched for answers, I found that so many men are addicted to pornography. My heart continued to break as I realized so many marriages and families are affected by pornography, and I began to blame the men.

But God openend my eyes! In a counseling session with my husband I had my "Aha!" moment when I realized that his addiction wasn't about me and that it didn't reflect on me as a wife or woman. His addiction had been a coping mechanism for years before we even had met. After this realization, God tenderly showed me how in His eyes, this sin is no different than the sins I commit. He helped me to realize that men deserve my prayers and my encouragement, not my scorn or judgment.

This realization has helped change my heart, but there are still things I have a hard time with. Knowing that so many men struggle with sexual purity makes me feel as though I'm in on their secret. I've felt that I want to place a force field around myself (or maybe a trenchcoat) so that I don't cause anyone to stumble. I hope that doesn't come across as though I think I'm some knockout beauty, I don't! But knowing that my husband struggles with sexual purity makes me want to do whatever I can to help my brothers in Christ (and other men) remain sexually pure.

With that in mind, I sometimes don't know if I should hug men at church or the husbands of my friends. I feel awkward and uncertain when the opportunity arises. If I don't hug them, is that being rude? Is a handshake more appropriate? If I do hug them, does that cause a problem for anyone?

Do you have any advice for me?

I'm also interested in your struggles, I'd love to address some of them here on the blog. You can also leave a comment on the Prayer Wall or send me an e-mail: info@healingforyourheart.com.

Plugged In at the Movies

I love movies. I love going to the movies or watching them at home. (In either instance, popcorn is a must.) Since we have two young children, we make it to the movie theater maybe twice a year, but we have a Netflix subscription and usually watch a movie on the weekend.

When I found out about my husband's pornography addiction, it changed a lot of things. One of the things that changed is our movie-watching habit. My eyes have truly been opened as to how difficult it is for men to remain sexually pure in their thoughts and actions, as our culture promotes sexuality virtually everywhere you look. I'm constantly on guard to sexual content in movies. I've realized that you can't merely play defense by checking a movie's rating, as today's PG-13 rating still allows a lot of nudity and sexual images.

Instead, I play offense by reading movie plots online, watching trailers and using a wonderful tool, www.pluggedin.com. A ministry of Focus on the Family, Plugged In gives ratings for family friendliness; lists all sexual, spiritual and violent content; crude or profane language; and drug and alcohol content. This site has been such a tremendous help to us, as we strive for righteousness in our home.

In fact, we attempted to go to dinner and a movie with another couple last year. I looked up all of the movies that they suggested on www.pluggedin.com, but couldn't say yes to any of them because of the sexual content. It was an opportunity for us to share how we are trying to guard our eyes and protect our purity by being careful about what we watch.

Plugged In provides information on movies at the theater, movies on video, video games and music. I hope you'll find it a blessing as you also strive to protect purity in your marriage and family.

The Hurt and the Healer

If you've read my blog before, you know that Christian music has played a big part in my healing. I have a new song for you!

I had the privilege of seeing Mercy Me in concert in March and they played their new single, "The Hurt and the Healer." Have you heard it? It's an amazing song, I love the words. I hope that they bring you some comfort. I found the video below on You Tube in case you haven't heard the song yet. (The album comes out May 22nd.)

I love the image of the hurt and the healer colliding. I can relate to that process. When I found out about my husband's addiction I distanced myself from him and from God because the pain was so great. I had so many questions and so few answers as to how to put back the shattered pieces of my life.

Eventually though, the hurt collided with my Healer and it set the process in motion toward healing. It was a tear-filled, messy, exhausting process, but good came from it.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." -Romans 8:28


At the time, I couldn't see how any good could come from this mess in my marriage, but God is faithful. I am living proof that God lifted me out of the pit and has given me hope for helping others affected by pornography.

Dear one, let your hurt and the Healer collide and see what He will do. I'm always here to pray for you, you can e-mail me or leave a message on the Prayer Wall.

Need Some Support?

Do you ever wish that God would speak back to you in an audible voice? That He would wrap His physical arms around you to comfort you? That you could find God with skin on?

As my husband and I began to walk through this storm, I felt as though I carried around a ton of bricks. My heart felt so heavy, the emotions were boiling over and I had to keep them bottled inside for fear of harming my husband's reputation.

The first step I took in seeking help for myself was a call to KLOVE's prayer hotline. I didn't get another person on the other end, but I left a message and asked for prayer. It felt so good to let the words leave my lips, that my marriage was in trouble and that I had no one to talk to and needed someone to pray for me. It comforted me to know that someone would be lifting me up to God when He felt so far away.

Below are similar resources where you can reach out for help, anonymously. These organizations are here to be God with skin on to you. I pray that God will wrap you in His comfort through the people you speak with.

KLOVE Prayer Line: 1-800-525-LOVE
Family Life Radio Prayer Line: 1-888-888-9976
Focus on the Family Counseling Department: 1-855-771-HELP

A Bit of Politics

I've been meaning to do some research on the Republican Presidential candidates, as my state's primary is coming up. I wanted to read more about Rick Santorum. I clicked on the Issues tab on his website and this liked what I saw from the get-go. I definitely like that he is taking a stand against pornography.

In case you're interested:
http://www.ricksantorum.com/enforcing-laws-against-illegal-pornography

Christian Counseling

One of the biggest things that prompted me toward healing was Christian counseling. It was costly, both in terms of time and money, but it's what I needed. I didn't feel that I could talk to anyone who knew my husband, so talking to my counselor allowed me to vent and verbalize the storm going on inside. She helped so much, I'm grateful that I had access to her as a resource.

I want to share a counseling resource with you that I've recently come across, the National Association of Nouthetic Counselors, http://www.nanc.org/. I know of someone who has recently become certified through their counseling program. You can search for a counselor in your area through their website. Many of them are very affordable, some of them even offer their services for free. 

I pray that this is a blessing to someone who needs it. 

Do I Walk Alone?

One of the most difficult parts of this storm is feeling isolated and alone. I felt as though I couldn't tell anyone what I was going through because I wanted to protect my husband's reputation. In doing so, I put on an act so that people wouldn't see that anything was wrong. When I did end up telling a few people close to me, they were surprised at how well I had hidden my secret.

The other sad part of feeling isolated and alone is that you really aren't, there are more of us whose marriages fall victim to pornography than we know. Consider these statistics:

• By the end of 2004, there were 420 million pages of pornography. —Jan LaRue “Obscenity and the First Amendment”
• Two in five Internet users visited an adult site in August 2005. —comScore Media Metrix
• There were 71.9 million unique users to adult websites in August 2005, reaching 42.7% of the Internet audience. —comScore Media Matrix
• Nearly 20% of men spend at least one hour a day viewing pornography on the Internet. —Provenmen.org
• 50% of all Christian men and 20% of all Christian women are addicted to pornography. —2006 survey conducted by ChristiaNet Inc.
• In 2002, of 1,351 pastors surveyed, 54% said they had viewed pornography within the last year and 30% of these had visited within the last 30 days. —2002 Pastors.com Survey

These were the statistics I found in research for my book proposal last summer. I'm sure that if I did more research, I'd find more studies that prove the pervasiveness of pornography, in both Christian and secular homes.

The point of all this is to say that you are not alone. 50% of Christian men are addicted to pornography, which generally means that half of the married women in your church are in the same place as you. Many of them may not know of their husband's secret.

But for those of us who do, we sit in silence because sexual sin is harder to discuss with other people. In sharing our grief, we would be sharing the secret sins of our husband. It's a difficult place, that's for sure. It's hard to keep the pain all bottled up inside, it made me feel so isolated.

It's important to remember God's promises to us when we're feeling alone:

"Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." - Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV)

"He heals the brokenhearted, binding up their wounds." - Psalm 147:3 (NLT)

"Be sure of this, I am with you always, even to the end of the age." - Matthew 28:20 (NLT)

"All praise to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. He is the source of every mercy and the God who comforts us." - 2 Corinthians 1:3 (NLT)

Dear sister, you are not alone, many of us are walking this same path and do not know it.

More importantly, we are never alone because God walks with us, guides us and sustains us. Thank you, Jesus.

Cleaning out the Lake

I am working on my devotional book, I'm going to submit it for a contest at the end of the month. I was doing some research on statistics and saw this video to share with you.

I've told you of how I still struggle with how to accept my husband's struggle with sexual purity. Honestly, I ask God over and over why men are wired to be so visual and why so many of them struggle. He's told me that they are wired this way for their wives, but that Satan has taken advantage of this world we live in and has manipulated our men by enticing them with sexual pleasure and temptation outside of marriage. While I understand this, I still struggle.

About a year ago I told my husband of troubled I felt. He explained his recovery to me this way (I may have written about this before, I apologize if this is a repeat): he said that his mind is like a lake or a pond. The pornography polluted the water for a very long time. But now, no more pollution is flowing into the pond and slowly the polluted water is flowing out.

That analogy really helped me.

In doing my research tonight, I found this video on www.xxxchurch.com that gives a similar analogy.


http://blip.tv/xxxchurchcom/the-human-brain-5695246

Psalm 42

Hi All,

I apologize for my long hiatus! Having young children, working and the holidays kept me from writing and posting as often as I'd like. Now that it's 2012, I will have a new schedule and plan to post more regularly.

Right now I am reading through the Psalms in my NLT Chronological Bible. This one, Psalm 42, stood out to me and I thought it would encourage you:

"As the deer longs for streams of water, so I long for you, O Lord.
I thirst for God, the living God. When can I go and stand before him?
Day and night I have only tears for food, while my enemies continually taunt me, saying,
'Where is this God of yours?'

My heart is breaking as I remember how it used to be:
I walked among the crowds of worshipers, leading a great procession to the house of God,
singing for joy and giving thanks amid the sound of a great celebration!

Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again--my Savior and my God!

Now I am deeply discouraged, but I will remember you--
even from distant Mount Hermon, the source of the Jordan, from the land of Mount Mizar.
I hear the tumult of the raging seas as your waves and surging tides sweep over me.
But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me,
and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life.

'O God my rock,' I cry, 'Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I wander around in grief, oppressed by my enemies?'
Their taunts break my bones. They scoff, 'Where is this God of yours?'

Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad?

I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again--my Savior and my God!"